Your Taste Is Blood And Fire But I Drink You Alone (underthepink) wrote,
Your Taste Is Blood And Fire But I Drink You Alone

-- Still Holding Onto Unproductive Bothers...

Thought and action should not be in opposition to each other - and I'll come back to this statement in depth if I have time.

Right now, there is activity. Shall we say... researching is being done as to the BEST course of action. (In this case the cheapest actually lol.) In my head I can hear the optimistic voice saying, 'It's a start.' and I cannot argue that point - but activity can be the same circular trap as communication or thought. The activity itself can become the focus, distracting from the goal of action that leads to completion. The last act, hmm? The finish.

I guess I've been feeling a sense of.... the wheels spinning without the car moving in any direction. A lack of completion in my actions that robs me of the feeling of accomplishment. When I clean the house, each room is an accomplishment. All of the rooms taken as a whole is another feeling of accomplishment. Being appreciated for the pieces as well as the finished puzzle. Cleaning the house becomes rewarding on a multitude of levels. A tangible goal that's reached and appreciated. Simple things.

Simple things are always the easiest to do though, aren't they? It's the challenging tasks and goals we set for ourselves that are harder to reach but offer the lure of a greater sense of accomplishment.

I lack and it leaves me unfulfilled. I want but live without. I need but survive unsated. The sense of accomplishment stops filling the void when tiny, routine accomplishments are all there is. I think a lot of people go through life with a sense of wanting to accomplish something that is bigger than themselves. To accomplish things that they are remembered for even, like leaving a legacy. Of these same people I also think few ever accomplish much. It seems to me like most in this group put so many goals of massive porportions on the horizon for themselves that they are stretched thin between all those clustered thoughts, unable to give any single one enough attention that it reaches completion, giving up the reward of accomplishment.

Maybe it's just MY problem. Action is not an overused word in my vocabulary. Sedintary is a much more apt description of my personality and thinking habits. If I am struck by a sense of thrist I won't always rush immediately to action. Usually I'll wait for more things that require action on my part before I move so that I can do them all together and be 'done' for awhile... the while it takes for more thingS to need attendance. I've never much liked this particular trait. It holds me back and torments me with stagnation. It strikes me at this moment that the feeling of stagnation is what robs away the slight pleasure to be had from small accomplishments. Like if I'm not doing something BIG I'm not really doing anything at all.

I know that's not right. I know all action is causal. Action, even completion, is a wave of energy that doesn't dissipate. Positive actions leading to positive rewards..... karma.... if ya wanna get spiritual in the phrasing. Because the constant sense of immobility keeps me from the simple, small accomplishments, I loose my mind and turn my focus to higher, harder goals that don't get reached... only serving as a temporary distraction, an attempt to prove to stagnation that I really MEAN to take action, hoping to quiet it's nagging whispering for a moments peace. Not that I ever do anything with that moment.

I am not... in my own time. I am not in the design but just a few steps outside of it. I rarely remember to enjoy the moment... to feel it in that moment.... only after... in reflection. The moment gone. Never allowed to be lived to its fullest potential.

I'm rambling, I know. It's the meth, the mind, the boredom and waiting combined. I'm also not delving into other issues I should but dwelling on this instead. I see that I'm doing it... but I don't have the ability right now to be alone with my thoughts and a comp.

Maybe later. Maybe never. Maybe.
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